Part 1 of 2

One of the interesting aspects of being an unemployed entrepreneurial dreamer is how many possible career (or, ok, survival) possibilities desperation suggests to the imagination. Often, this involves suffering blows to one’s pride. First, you may think, “Well, I suppose I could apply for a job at Starbucks.” After all, you, a young, educated professional, who also happens to be charming and easy on the eyes, must have some standards. Starbucks isn’t really demeaning, now is it? It’s practically the temple of the working professional, and you, as a barista, are the priest who delivers the sacred nectar to the worshippers. That wouldn’t be too bad.

Unfortunately, you may find that Starbucks is not hiring, or, even worse, they reject you. You! Rejected in favor of some person who didn’t make it past the first year of community college. The blood boils at the indignity of it.

So then you wait a bit more, and desperation sets in again. All right, well then, perhaps retail is acceptable temporary employment. If you work where you like to shop, you can get great discounts on clothing and stock your wardrobe for your future gainful employment (incidentally making it pointless to go to work, because you spend all your money at work.) Again, you find few job openings. When you do find an opening, you lose out to the Starbucks barista’s sister, because she has previous retail experience. You, unfortunately, were busy learning about the mysteries of human existence while she was working at American Eagle.

Thoroughly demoralized, you contemplate Nietzsche and wonder if God is, perhaps, really dead, since He does not seem to be listening to your frantic pleas for a job—any job—well, almost any job! And then you think, well . . . perhaps “any job.” Maybe money is running low, or maybe the not-so-subtle hints from your parents are coming thick and fast. Finally, you drop to the lowest of the low—you apply at Target or Wal-Mart (yes, I actually applied at Target.) And, for reasons unknown to any human with a brain, you’re rejected. (Come on! It’s not as if you have to do anything other than show up on time and try not to drink on the job!)

Now feeling about as big as an atom, that Yankee ingenuity begins to surface. As a previous article suggested, you can always sell blood. Unfortunately, that option can be tapped out rather quickly. Six weeks between donations isn’t the best way to get a regular paycheck.

Of course, unemployment has its benefits too, as you regretfully note while applying for jobs. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have plenty of money and not have to toil away at some job filled with drudgery? (My father once told me I ought to be among the idle rich. Unfortunately, I have no wealthy eccentric uncles who will leave me money in their wills. Eccentric, yes, but not wealthy, and, thank God, mostly in the pink of health.)

The light bulb flickers on. If you don’t have family money . . . marry it! Or at least marry someone with a job. So you start turning over the possibilities in your mind. Hmm . . . well, you know, that guy back in the day wasn’t really that bad . . . he’s gainfully employed, which is more than I can say for myself. And, after all, I wouldn’t be living with my parents anymore, which definitely has its advantages.

Of course, this can work for guys as well as girls. We’re equal-opportunists here at UED. If you’re a guy, just think . . . Nick Cannon. If you’re a girl, think Marilyn Monroe, Lauren Bacall and Betty Grable in the classic film “How to Marry a Millionaire.” The catch, of course, is that Marilyn and Betty marry normal guys (As I remember, Marilyn’s guy is an optometrist), but hey, times are tough all around. If you’re reading this, you’ll probably be happy for an optometrist’s income. What I’m saying, gentlemen and ladies with an income, is that it’s a buyer’s market.